Daddy Issues

An excerpt from the blog of Kratos, Ghost of Sparta, renowned god-killer, and former God of War:

ZEUS! FATHER! YOU COWARD!! YOU SHALL DENY ME NO LONGER!! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!

Guys, you have no idea how much that old man has been riding me. He’s all, “You’re such a disappointment! I should have killed you when you crawled out of that harlot’s womb,” and I’m all, “Yeah, ya think?! Well too late, Dad! Coulda woulda shoulda. Ya snooze, ya lose.” God, he makes me so mad! I ripped the heads off of at least twenty skeleton warriors in the span of thirty seconds, but that didn’t help make me any less mad! So I fought this centaur warrior, stabbed him a bunch and then split open his belly so his intestines spilled out. But that smelled really bad and only made me even angrier!

He just doesn’t understand! Yeah, so his Dad was a 100 foot Titan who ate all his siblings in an attempt to change his fate and not be murdered. So what?! Did Zeus murder his wife and child?! Did he suffer for years due to a cruel trick, and be forced to go do the bidding of the gods for a decade?! NO!! HE HAS MORE CHILDREN THAN HE CAN COUNT! WELL THIS ONE WILL KILL HIM!! HE WILL DIE AND BURN IN THE FIRES OF HADES FOR ALL ETERNITY WHILE I LAUGH AT HIM AND SHOW HIM WHAT MY VENGEANCE TRULY LOOKS LIKE! THEY ALL WILL BURN!!

…OK, I know you can’t tell cause you’re reading this after the fact, but I’ve just been away from this post for like ten minutes watching my kitty (The Glory of Olym-puss! That’s his name! Get it? Puss! Awesome, I know. Props to my BFF Hermes for coming up with that one…who’s now dead cause I killed him. That kind of sucks now that I think about it) freaking out over a piece of string. It was seriously the funniest thing ever. I should have snapped some pics and posted them on lolcats cause that would be the greatest post ever posted for reals.

So anyways, Zeus is a real toolbox. Someone responded to one of my last posts where I was raging against Zeus and wondered why I was so mad at him. They were all, “He’s your dad, right? Can’t you forgive him and just move past all of it? Family first, bro.” Oh really? Well did your dad ever trick you into giving up your god-powers and then stab you with a sword so you’d go to Hades and be tormented forever?! Huh?! I didn’t think so. And it’s not just me! He’s being a jerk to everyone. Ask Hephaestus, or Daedalus, or Pandora! He’s been a real jerkwad to those three, believe me! And there are so many others! Sure, I may have dropped a ship’s captain down the throat of a dead Hydra just so I could get his key, but that was justified! This was just Zeus being a paranoid freak! I HATE HIM! HE DOESN’T DESERVE THE BREATH IN HIS LUNGS!!

Man, you guys, I recently popped back in Linkin Park’s first album. I forgot just how good that one was. I don’t think anyone has ever topped that album. Those guys just get it, man, like in a way that no one else gets it. “CRAWLLLLLL-ING INNNN MY SKIIIIIIN!!! THESE WOUUUUUUNDS THEY WILLLLL NOT HEALLLLLLL!” You said it guys. You said it. Anyways, some real hot chick just walked by, so I’m gonna go try to get her digits and show her the true “Rage of the Spartans”, if you know what I mean. Till next time, Peace out for real.

(This post really has nothing to do with my feelings about God of War III, which is an awesome game. Or it’s story, which is pretty awesome too. I just thought it would be funny to have Kratos blogging. I hope you agree.)