Thursday, July 23, 2009

Factory Delivered Gaming Goodness

I recently beat Killzone 2, and the story made me think of how easy it must be to write a game like that. In fact, allow me to summarize the plot of the game for you, just so you can see the rich and complex narrative of this masterpiece. I think it goes without saying that there are spoilers ahead, but really, worrying about spoiling the plot of Killzone 2 is like chewing on a chicken wing for ten minutes because you want to get every last bit of meat off of it. You just need to realize that there's not much there to begin with.

VISARI - I am making a long speech about how great we are, and how justified all our unnamed atrocities have been. Basically, I'm supposed to be like Hitler, only less charismatic and memorable. You're invading my homeworld, we'll drive you out and make the streets run red with your blood, blah blah blah. Standard evil overlord stuff.

SEV - I'm Sev, which is short for something I can't be bothered to look up right now. It doesn't matter anyways. I rarely say anything, and yet manage to have less personality than most silent protagonists. Let's just say that I won't be ranked among Marcus Phoenix and Master Chief as the great characters of shooters.

RICO - Yo, Sev! You (CENSORED) ready to go (CENSORED) up some mother (CENSORED) Helghast mother (CENSORED) up?

SEV - Why are you saying (CENSORED) so much?

RICO - We're (CENSORED) space marines, (CENSORED)! We gotta say (CENSORED) every other word, or no one will buy us as credible!

SEV - Oh, well then (CENSORED) yeah, I am!

RICO - All right, then let's get on this (CENSORED) hovercraft thing and go (CENSORED) do this (CENSORED)!

GARZA - Better (CENSORED) buckle up, Natko!

NATKO - Why would I want to (CENSORED) buckle up on an (CENSORED) open air vehicle that will be hurtling down towards the ground at tremendous speeds while we'll be taking on heavy gunfire? That's just silly!

RICO - (CENSORED), this is (CENSORED) intense! And look at the (CENSORED) graphics of this (CENSORED) intense ride! I guess that E3 trailer wasn't bull(CENSORED) after all! Take that, haters!

SEV - Yes, these are very pretty shades of black, grey, and red. Which is all we'll ever see in this game.

RICO - Shut the (CENSORED) up, Sev! It's time to go kill some (CENSORED) Helghast mother (CENSORED)!

COMMANDER - Sev! Go to this point and kill everyone in sight to secure a military objective!

SEV - Done!

COMMANDER - Alright, now go to this other point and do the same thing!

SEV - Um, OK.

COMMANDER - You know what, you're pretty much going to be doing this for 2/3's of the game. Well, you'll be doing it during the other third as well, only we'll attempt to actually make the story personal. It'll be a pretty laughable attempt, but you'll find that out when we get there.

SEV - Alright, we're making good progress here! We've taken most of the capital and we're marching on Visari's palace! This war is just about over, barring some game changing deus ex machina.

NATKO - Oh (CENSORED)! Colonel Radec, the game's main antagonist, has just unleashing some (CENSORED) deus ex machina! It's tearing us to (CENSORED) pieces!

GARZA -(CENSORED), that's some (CENSORED) (CENSORED) up (CENSORED)!

RICO - (CENSORED) yeah, it is!

COMMANDER - Sev, you and the other main characters go find out how to shut down that weapon!

SCIENCE LADY - They're utilizing some technobabble technology. If we go to this point and blow something up, it will render their weapon useless.

SEV - OK, it's done. And it looks like we'll never see or mention this weapon again. Huh.

RICO - Oh (CENSORED)! Radec has kidnapped Garza, Natko, and the science lady! We better go save them! Which means jumping onto this (CENSORED) train and battling past hordes of Hig mother (CENSORED)!

SEV - Say, doesn't this seem really similar to that level in Gears of-

RICO - Shut up, shut up, shut up!

SEV - Look, there they are! Wait here while I go get in a position where I can actually be effective.

RICO - (CENSORED) that! I'm opening fire!

NATKO - All right, we're saved! Well, except for Garza, who's dead now.

SEV - No! Not Garza! Not GARZAAAAAAAAAAAA!

NATKO - What's the big deal? It's not like they developed his character at all. His death seems pretty insignificant and not dramatic as the camera work and music seem to imply.

RICO - Yeah. I mean, Garza and Natko are pretty (CENSORED) indistinguishable from one another for most of this game.

SEV - Shut the (CENSORED) up, Rico! Garza was my bff, and now he's dead because of you!

RICO - Seriously? You guys were that (CENSORED) tight? Wow, we could have used some establishing shots or something so we would understand why you're taking this so badly.

NATKO - Oh (CENSORED), now the Helghast mother (CENSORED) are on our ship! Somehow. And we seem to be unable to hold them back! For some reason.

COLONEL TEMPLAR - Everyone abandon ship! I'll join you after setting the self destruct!

RADEC - Not so fast, Templar! Give me the codes for your nuclear arsenal! You know, since we don't have any super powerful weapons. Oh, except for that one we deployed before. Yeah, we don't have anything else.

TEMPLAR - Screw you, Radec!

RADEC - OK, I'll just kill you and science lady then. And apparently we can get the codes anyways, so that whole conversation was apparently pretty pointless.

TEMPLAR - Must...heroically...finish...self-destruct...sequence...

RICO - Jan! NOOOOO! You (CENSORED) Hig (CENSORED) mother (CENSORED)! I'll (CENSORED) kill every last (CENSORED) one of you!

SEV - Wow, you'll miss science lady that much?

RICO - Actually, Jan was Templar's name.

SEV - Oh.

NATKO - Oh (CENSORED)! They just nuked the city! Thereby creating an evocative moment much like the one from Call of Duty 4! And Fallout 3!

SEV - This scene is getting used a lot these days, isn't it?

RICO - That tears it! We gotta march into that (CENSORED) city and kill (CENSORED) Visari ourselves!

SEV - Wait, you mean march into the city that just got nuked? Isn't that a really bad idea?

RICO - I can't think of any reason why.

SEV - Oh, OK then. Let's go.

RICO - All right, Sev! It's just you and me for the (CENSORED) climactic battle!

SEV - Really? We can't spare even one other guy?

RICO - No! Now let's (CENSORED) do this!

RADEC - So you've made it this far! We'll let's settle this like men! And speaking of men, go ahead and take on about a hundred of mine.

SEV - All of your men are dead Radec! Now it's you versus us!

RADEC - Oh no! I'm dead!

SEV - Scolar Visari, I'm placing you under arrest!

VISARI - Actually, I'll just say incendiary things to rile you up so I can die a martyr's death.

RICO - Fine by me!

SEV - Rico! You just shot him!

RICO - Yeah. I turned out to be a pretty big (CENSORED), didn't I?

SEV - I'll say you did!

NATKO - Oh (CENSORED), there's like a whole fleet of Helghast ships now arriving!

SEV - Ah, screw it. Let's just end the game now and leave those guys for Killzone 3.

And ta-daa! Killzone 2. This isn't to say Killzone 2 was a bad game or anything. But it sure wasn't great, either. I'd say it was a pretty average shooter with some very good graphics. But when those graphics are just for looking at a black, grey, and red landscape all the time, you find that you stop caring about them pretty quickly.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Into the Blogosphere, Full Steam Ahead!

Well, here I am. I've decided to regale you all with the ramblings of my mind. Which I'm sure everyone was DYING to find out about. This isn't my first blog, but it's been awhile. I'll be talking about whatever comes to mind, which will cover a broad range of subjects. I'm still figuring out what I really want to do with this thing, so if you've already stumbled upon this thing somehow, know that I'm sorry. Very, very sorry.